


Re:Counting

by zkdline



Category: EXO, Jongin - Fandom, KaiHun - Fandom, SeJong, Sehun - Fandom, Sekai - Fandom
Genre: Bottom Kim Jongin | Kai, Bullying, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Self-Harm, hs kids being cruel, i won't go fully details in every part, it;s obvious from chpt 1 actually so you get the picture of its, so there's a major chracter death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 10:14:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15337695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zkdline/pseuds/zkdline
Summary: Summary: Jongin wrote a poem for his letter to himself during the Communication class, when their teacher asked them to jot down their deepest secrets.





	1. Forward.

**Author's Note:**

> ⚠️ warning: mention of suicide, major character death, bully, self-harmed, vulgar words.

✽  
  
_I was six when I want to be an astronaut,_  
 _Flying up above the moon._  
 _I was seven when I want to be a teacher,_  
 _soft smiles and graceful steps,_  
 _and because I love math._  
 _I was nine when my dad sign me up_  
 _for ballet,_  
 _and I was nine when I decided to be a_  
 _ballerina._  
 _Later, as I grow up,_  
 _I become lost through the crowd._  
 _I was sixteen when I want to die._  
 _Now, I'm eighteen._  
 _And I'm dying._  
  
 ✽  
  
It was somewhere around the middle of February, approximately three months has passed by since he got to celebrated his birthday. And today, it was graduation day, celebrating the last three years he had spent his youth in high school. His parents couldn't come, since they couldn't get a day off that day. Jongin dismissed it off, making them to promise him that they will take him to his favorite sushi place for dinner.  
  
Somehow, Jongin don't think he will be needing anymore of that promises.  
  
Making his way to the crowd, camera dangling off his neck, Jongin tried to blend in with the crowd. It had been a while, he pondered silently, looking around the gymnasium hall. His classmates had gathered by the corner to take a group photo, flowers bouquets cradled up against the girls chest. Winter coats flashes in different colors, as the class president's mother asked them to say cheese.  
  
Jongin halted onto his steps, as he tried to search for familiar faces amongst his classmates. He tiptoed, eyes wildly scanning the crowd when he locked eyes with his best friends. The two of them stay closed to each other. One with a permanent scowls plastered across his defined features, while the other had a half sided smile lifts up on his face. Seems like they colored their hair, since Sehun was spotting the black hair back, instead of the brown shade he used to dye back in high school. And it went the same as Chanyeol.  
  
Chanyeol was the first one to notice him, nudging the side of Sehun's rib to inform of his presence. So, Jongin pulls out his hands and waved. A big smile plastered across his face, full lips stretched out, beaming with sheer happiness at the sight of his best friends.  
  
Flashed.  
  
Then, he was gone from the scene, all throughout the ceremony. His flowers, one that he received from Chanyeol was left behind with a greeting card at the former's locker. A simple greeting that said thank you for everything and happy graduation day! in a pretty cursive penmanship.  
  
While the other one was for Sehun, but his was a tad longer than Chanyeol's.  
  
✽   
  
_Dearest Sehunnie, though you loathe when someone called you that._  
  
_i forgave you. Even if you never said anything to me for the last two years, I forgave you. You're my best friend after all, and also my first love. I know it was too much to take in, considering the fact that you had to know that from other people. I still regretted that day. Still, thank you, for being my best of friends. And i love you. Truly. Always._  
  
_Hug and kisses, from your best friend, Nini._  
  
 ✽  
  
Later that night, when Jongin parent's were getting ready to celebrate his graduation, and his achievements to be accepted in one of the prestigious university, Jongin didn't answered when his mother knocked the door, asking him to hurry up.  
  
It was meet with silent, even after she knocked the door for a solid a minute. Growing worried, his mother asked his father to knock down the door.  
  
The room was clean up to a notch, his books perfectly aligned based on the alphabets. Even the newest one was put nicely on the night stand. His bed was made, newly changed to a new sheet, different from the one he used yesterday. And at the middle of the bed, there was a small box and his camera laying idly, red dots blinking, recording the scene.  
  
So, his father gently picked up the camera to stop the recording. The older man browsed to the gallery to delete the video, when Jongin's face appeared as the thumbnails.  
  
Mr. Kim pressed the play button.  
  
"I was nineteen when I decided." Then, the video showed how Jongin slowly put the camera down on the bed, eyes bloodshot from crying. He sniffed. "I know this is foolish. And I was foolish. But, it had been three years. You can hate me after this. It's okay. I deserved that, I suppose. It's selfish. I know. Still, I don't think I can change my mind now. It was suffocating and I need it to stop. For these three years, I tried to hold on. To hold onto anything so the day could pass by easier, but it didn't work. I'm hurting, mom. Dad, I'm sorry I was a disappointment. I wish you could have a better sonー". His father stopped the recording, as his mother frantically looked around the room.  
  
His windows was seal closed. Pictures that were hung before, decorating the rest of his wall was been taken down. Leaving the family portrait alone. Yet, there was no sign of Jongin everywhere.  
  
Quickly, his mother rushed toward the bathroom, tears stricken down her cheeks in a heavy flow. Soon, a scream break through the silent and his father ran inside.  
  
Mrs.Kim already fell to the ground, sobbing, as she slowly crawled toward her son's laying body on the floor. Mr.Kim was frozen by the door, words stuck on his throat as his tears streams down his aged face.  
  
Jongin was facing the bath tub, hands laid out in the pool of his own blood. The razor fall to the side, stained with the crimson colors. And there were few other cut marks marred across his hands, news and old one that was slowly healing. Then, a word like it had been harshly scratched to his skin in a small letter : faggot.


	2. Reverse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️ warning: mention of cutting, blood, rape and excessive drama. I did put a warning here. Although it's not exactly well explained, but the elements was there. 
> 
> Unbetaed, without proof reading.

  
  
❁ 

 

 

  
Jongin tried to succumb his tears from falling much harder. His head was throbbing so badly at the impact, nose bleeding as the blood dripped down his uniform like a river flow. So, he bites onto his lips, not wanting to attract attention if someone suddenly walked into the bathroom. Though he had wished no one would.   
  
He was cradling himself on the floor, knees folded against his chest as he sobs soundlessly, hiccups resonating for every round his tears fall. Red stained the front of his shirt and his body ached. It stung, like a hell just let loose on him. He could still feel the punches and kicks that they delivered earlier, each swings of the belts to his back when Jongin didn't showed any reactance from the beating.   
  
It was their final period. Later, the bell will ring, and students will flock the corridor.   
  
Refusing to bump against anyone in the toilet, Jongin willed himself to stand up. Yet, his balance swayed when his eye sight turned slightly hazy. His head was pounding so hard against his skull, even his legs and hands felt weak to support his own weight.   
  
Still, he forced himself to get out from the bathroom cubicles, one hands clutching to his stomach, while the other was leaning onto the wall. Jongin tried to keep his eyes on the ground, taking things slowly as he pushes the door open.   
  
The toilet wasn't empty.   
  
As soon as the door open, his eyes catch the shocked gaze of a familiar eyes. One that belongs to someone that he used to call friends. Best friend.   
  
Sehun.   
  
They locked eyes contact. And it was the longest three seconds in his life, feeling quite comforted at a mere sight of him before Jongin broke their gazes on each other. Though it eases him a lot, when he catches a glimpse of emotions that swirled inside Sehun's cold menacing eyes at the sight of his disoriented beaten state.   
  
At least he still cares, Jongin consoles himself, dragging himself toward the rooftop so he could treat his wound. 

  
  
  
❁ 

 

  
  
The clear sky   
couldn't provide   
me the right word  
to tell you how  
much you meant the  
world to me,   
how vast is my love   
to you,   
but, even the   
stronger rope  
could break,   
so are we.

 

 

 

❁ 

 

  
  
  
"It's a tiny camera. Like the one that spy used in the tv," Chanyeol explains carefully, putting the said device on Jongin's bed. He offered the tanned male a reassuring smile, patting the back of Jongin's palm.   
  
The said male returns the favor. "You don't really have to."  
  
Chanyeol dismissed the other with a small wave. "This is the only thing that I could do to help. Just hold on for a little bit. We'll gather all the proof and put them to light so they will be punished severely."   
  
The tanned male's face looks as if he has more to say, yet he didn't. It already been so generous for Chanyeol to bother himself searching for the camera. Jongin wouldn't about to pressure the taller anymore. Especially when Chanyeol looks so determined. Maybe Chanyeol still holding on the hope that things will be fine if they put the truth to justice. Although the reality has spoken the truth. And honestly, Jongin had given up.   
  
Jongin did tried to seek for help. He talked about it to the counselor, yet when the hidden truth of why the bullying happened came out from the bag, the counselor's face drained. The old man's voice changed, from concerned to being awfully professional like Jongin was taking to a robot. It wasn't as if he never tried hard to seek for help, it just his effort gone to waste because people kind of think that partly, it was his fault after all. Like he had been meaning to attract the trouble for being different.   
  
The ring of his notification brings his thought back to reality, the counselor's name pops on the screen, words blaring through his visions. Jongin gently takes the device into his hand, sliding open the message notification.   
  
The previous messages that exchanged between Mr. Seo and Jongin comes into view, with the newest answers regarding his bullying case. The old man's answer was precise, curt. Informing him of how it couldn't be process if Jongin didn't have proof to prove the bullying, and if the bruises that Jongin proclaimed do come from the effect of getting beaten up.   
  
Disappointed, the tanned male closes the app, putting the phone under pillow under Chanyeol's curious eyes. He didn't say anything for a couple beat, until Chanyeol purposely clears his throat.   
  
"Mr. Seo?" The red hair makes a wild guess. He gives Jongin a small smile, a small action that speaks of his disappointment without having Jongin to spill anything. Jongin nods, shrugging.   
  
He really wants to pretend that things are fine at this moment. In a span of six more days, they will be sitting for their SATs. And, Jongin need to prepare himself for the scholarship interview. If he manages to score the spot in the interview, he will get a full ride scholarship to continue his studies in one of the prestigious art academies and pursues his dreams as a dancer. And he isn't merely wanting the scholarship mainly to continue his study, in fact, his life depends on it. His whole future depends on the scholarship.   
  
Sensing the worry that emits from the shorter male, Chanyeol pats the top of Jongin's head jokingly with an intention to bring up the mood between them. "We'll get this done, kiddo. Count on me!" He spurts out, and he manages to spit few of his saliva toward Jongin.   
  
"That's gross, Yeol!" Jongin pushes the red hair's hand away from his head, laughing.   


 

  
  
  
❁   


 

  
  
  
"So, when did you realized you're different?" Chanyeol asks, one day as they're sitting under the tree, their usual spot when they have a free study period. Chemistry books are scattered around them, papers and pens align with ugly scrawls under each paragraph to simplify the note into shorter form. Jongin have his knees folded in front of him, the textbook rest snugly against it as he leans on the bark of the tree.   
  
"Different? Gay, you meant?" he repeats the red hair's questions, voices weary. The winds that blows makes his front bang to fall endlessly through his eyes, as Jongin hums indifferently, eyes wonder over lines that he had jot down earlier.  
  
Chanyeol puts his highlighter down, pouting. "That sounds harsh."   
  
Jongin chuckles, "What's harsh? The fact that I like men or the fact that I called myself gay like it was a sin?"   
  
The red hair groans, kicking Jongin's legs sulkily. It fazes the male, how Chanyeol suddenly sounds interested in his sexual preferences since all these whiles, the taller usually opt to not said anything. But, Jongin didn't felt any remorse. Soon or later, Chanyeol would be bond to ask him that questions. He watched as the taller put the book down.  
  
"You can’t choose someone you love, Ni" Chanyeol blurts out, now poking Jongin's thighs with the end of his pen. The tanned male frown clearly irks with the constant poking on his thigh. His thigh felt itchy due to that, so he flicked the taller male's hand. But he shrugged nonchalantly, dismissing Chanyeol's remarks. No matter how much he wants to be comforted by his best friend’s word, the reality didn’t spare him any space to breath.

Jongin closes the book on his lap, straightening his back. “But I choose the wrong person to be in love with,” he retorts, giving no chance for the taller man to say anything as Jongin gets up on his feet. Chanyeol clumsily picks up all his things, stumbling on his own leg but manages to balance himself as he runs after the walking boy.

“Did you even have a choice, really?” he mumbles, now in pace with Jongin.

“I guess not.”

 

 

 

❁

 

 

 

Jongin was in panic.

He rashly digs into his bag, searching for the familiar journal book. His breathing was haggard, head filled with thousands of thoughts that someone might found the book anywhere and read it. It would be doomed for him. Every thought, secrets and his everyday scribbles were in the book, his journal diary. And if someone did read the book, _no, no,_ he shakes his head.

At this point, he could burst into tears.

It was the last period. And he was the first one to get out from the chemistry lab, because he realized, somewhere in the middle of the class when he was doing the experiment, he didn’t bring his journal along. So, he excused himself a bit earlier, cleaned his area and made a dash out toward the class but the journal was nowhere in his bag.

He looked around, frantically. Scattering all his things on his desk, wishing that he might miss the blue journal with his textbook, but no. There was no sign of the book. So, he went to his locker at the back, rummaging through his things, the files and the other books, pulling each of the things out from the locker. Yet, it was fruitless.

It was gone.

The blue journal was out of sight and Jongin felt like his world was slowly crumbling down. The anxieties that raised up with possibilities, the embarrassment if someone flick through that journal, and _Sehun, no, he can’t find it!_ His fingers were trembling, as he slowly puts all his things, still wishing he might miss the journal amongst the files. There’s a big bile stuck on his throat,  and he don’t know why it truly felt like he had committed a very big crime.

That moment, Jongin literally could imagined how things would come out. No matter how badly he wished no one would read it, respect his privacy, that was mostly not going to happen. He might have expected how things to happen, but he couldn’t prepare his heart for any of what will happen.

Neither does he  prepare to bear the pain of losing everything.

It was chaos.

And all his sanity break when he heard the familiar lines being read out loud, followed by boisterous cackles and mocking laughter outside from the class. He stood there, frozen. Unable to think on what to do, as he listened to all the words, words that supposed to be his _secret_  read out loud.

“ _Does he know how perfect he is? How broad that shoulder is? I wish I could lay my head against them and be lulls to a deep sleep_ – Sound pretty obsessive to me,” the guy mocked, eyes slant in disgusted when he scans another line of entry in the page. Their classmates were huddled around him, pestering him to read more with more laughter as they walked into the class.

They halted on their steps as they got into the class. Jongin was standing there, lips sealed. And the guy, who was holding on the journal book darkly chuckled. He scoffs, raising the journal as he shakes it. “Is it yours?” he asked, eyes glowering at the standing tanned boy.

Jongin tried to diminish out all his thoughts as he tried to step closer, “Please give it back.” 

The guy arched his eyebrows in feign surprised, “Oh, it’s yours.”

“Jae, give it back. It’s not yours.” Jongin pleaded, eyes already watery when Jae flicks pages after pages of the journal harshly, few of the pages shredded apart. His postcards that he keeps inside, his letters that he wrote in class also fall to the ground and Jongin could hear every bits of his heart pieces crack thousands. Then he watched as Jae stopped at a certain page, eyes scanning every word with disgusted, “ _His hands felt warm against me as he moves_ -,”

“Stop,” Jongin demands, lunged himself forward to snatch the journal from Jae’s grip but the other boy was quicker, as he pushed Jongin from his space. “What the fuck, you whore,”

Jongin gets on his knees, heads hung lower, “Please give the journal back.”

“Oh, I haven’t finished yet. Wait,” he shushed, flicking to another page. “ _Love, you’re the gravity to my universe, walking down like you’re the center of everything. Did you know how lucky you’re?_ Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Jae spits in distaste, as he stares down at the tanned male. “I never know you like men, Ni.”

The rest of the class watched the scene without batted a single eyelash, snickering behind their hands, while some of them slowly walked to their desk, seeing how Jae was picking a fight again. This time, with the poor Jongin. _Again_. It was known that Jae was the troubled classmate amongst them, and no one really want to get involved. Plus, nobody really wants to risk their high school year dealing with a violence boy and his followers. And Jongin really was unfortunate. Out of other people, he needs to get involved with Jae.

This shouldn’t be the first time, though. That Jae tried to mess with him, or other students in the class. But mostly, his spite is directed to Jongin because Jongin once reported to their homeroom teacher that Jae smoked a cigarette behind the school’s building. And got himself suspended for a week. It was probably the start of a small war between them.

Sometimes, Jae would hide Jongin’s notebook, or pushed him at the hallways. Filled his lockers with rubbish, but Sehun was there to help Jongin through all the silly pranks that Jae put up. And, Jongin never failed to report all of Jae’s wrongdoing to their teacher, probably exhausted for keep having to clean his locker. But this time, it was like a big fat opportunity for Jae to ruin Jongin’s life, especially seeing how fragile the tanned male looked now.

“Would you report me now, Ni?” he squatted in front of the kneeling Jongin, poking the said male’s cheek with the edge of the journal.

Jongin shake his head.

“Well, that’s a shame.”

Jongin swallows the bitterness in his throat, eyes read in embarrassment. He tried to shun every word that come out from Jae’s mouth as the male keep on reading lines per lines of his diary entry. Making choking sounds at every explicit part he wrote when Jongin had a wet dream, occasionally about Sehun. It was shameful, and slowly, Jongin felts disgusted at himself too. For even dared to dream like _that_.

But it was all becoming too much when Sehun and Chanyeol stepped into the class, laughing between themselves and stopped when they witnessed the scene. Chanyeol hastily went to Jongin’s side, trying to pull him up, as Sehun stared at Jae, “What’s going on?”

Jae cackles, eyes shine in utter amusement at the turn of event. “Nini, look. Your hero comes,” he loudly whispers. Chanyeol grits his teeth, “Back off, man. What do you want this time?”

“Look, two heroes.” Jae pointed out. Then he pulls himself up from his squatting positions. He stretched his legs, before making his way toward Sehun. “You see, our dear Nini here have something to give you.”

Sehun’s lips turned downward, scowling at the boy. Yet, Jae didn’t budge. He shoved the journal, pages opened at the certain part where he had read earlier out loud to the class toward Sehun. “Read.” He instructed, shoving the journal repeatedly to Sehun’s chest.

And Jongin wakes from his stupor, stumbling on his steps to stand up, “No, no. God, Sehun, no.”

Jae pulled Sehun aside with the journal, caging the male without nowhere to run. And Jongin clawed at his feet. Chanyeol helplessly watched, confused over what was happening as Sehun reached out for the journal. Eyes hard on the black ink that decorating the whole pages with familiar handwriting.

“Sehun, _please,_ ” Jongin begged, tears already running through his cheeks, “Don’t read them, please.”

“Shut up,” Jae hissed, annoyed.

Sehun’s eyes were showing nothing. His face was motionless as he read every line, and Jongin could see his hands began to tremble as Sehun slowly flicks to another page. Probably reeling on the fact that his best friend just had a lewd thought about him and he didn’t realize that until now.

Having enough, Jongin snatched his bag from the table, ignoring the other books that he hasn’t put in his bag fall to the ground and run outside, sobbing. Ignoring the loud calling of his name from Chanyeol as he keeps on walking out from the school’s gates. Feeling ashamed and dirty of himself, for being humiliated. And the flashed of Sehun’s face earlier had done enough damage to his sanity, his stomach churned in disgusted at himself as he stopped midway at the pavement walk. Shoulders heaves in heavy cries, letting out all his emotions out.

 

 

 

 ❁

 

 

 

Exhausted, Jongin couldn’t bring himself to feel anything else as he sits himself at the bridge of the rooftop, legs dangling as he stared forward lifelessly. His bag laid there, idly, opened. Everyone else was having a free period, time for them to make a self-revision before their afternoon class started. His eyes were red from too much crying. Lips swollen, and his hands was cradling his bloodied hands. But it couldn’t compare to how much he was hurting inside.

 The self-humiliating that he was swallowing every single day, since _that_ day. It never stopped. And now, they need to make a permanent reminder for him to remember.

He could still feel the cold hands around his body, the sickening laughter as they manhandled him at the locker room. The sounds of skins slapping, and his own screaming being drowned by rough hands around his mouth, trying to silence him. How helpless he felt that time, when he kicked himself around to be released. And the endless pain that comes after when the cold knife gets in contact with his flesh. The minutes that passed with crying, begging for them to stop as they carved the words without any mercy on Jongin.

After they were done, they leave him out to bleed, like he was some disposable rag on the cold floor. Jongin had to cradled himself comfort, dismissing the aching on his arms. He covered the bleeding arms with his handkerchief, before walking out from the hellhole toward the rooftop.

Sehun walked passed, once. He _saw_ them, and him on the floor. And it pained Jongin how his best friend decided to look away and walked as if there was nothing happened.

He didn’t know what was worse. The fact that his heart was aching because Sehun walked away, dismissing his presence or the fact that he was defiled and humiliated with such ways. 

So, he laughed.

He continued to laugh until his stomach hurts. He laughed over his sad fortune, for his pathetic life. How he couldn’t do anything to stop any of its and was supposed to accept that everything that was happening was his fault.

 

 

And it keeps on going for years. Until they become senior. 

Even at the peak of exam weeks, the bullying never stopped. And Sehun continue to give him the cold shoulders. Occasionally, they will bump path, and Jongin will tries to give the male a small smile and wave but was ignored.

Chanyeol started to warm up with him when they were seventeen, during the school trip to Jeju. Mostly because he was sympathy that no one want to be room with Jongin. So, he volunteers himself. The boys pat the taller male’s back, praying for his safety and such without giving much thought on Jongin’s feeling.

He honestly was not sure if he wants to be thankful or not for Chanyeol. Jongin ignored the taller male for the rest of the first day, keeping himself busy with his phone.

Until that night, the second day they were supposed to visit one of the islands, and Jongin was nowhere to be found. The teacher instructed Chanyeol to stay behind if he couldn’t find his roommate and the taller was pissed at Jongin, but it was all forgotten when he walked inside their dark hotel room and found a crying Jongin with a blade inside the bathtub, completely drenched with bloodied water.

He tried to pull the tanned male out, but Jongin screamed hysterically in fear. And he started to scrub his entire flesh hardly until it becomes red, as if Jongin was trying to rid of stained that only he could saw. So, Chanyeol pulled the tanned male out from stupor, shake the shivering body couple of times, managed to get himself wet along the way until Jongin becomes lax in his grip. The bathroom then becomes quiet, saves for the tiny hiccups and  sobbing sounds that escapes from Jongin’s abused lips from biting.

 

 

The room was dimly light. And both boys were laying in their respective beds. Jongin was catching on himself, breath labors as he stares at the ceiling. While Chanyeol was laying on his side, eyes silently monitoring the boy beside him, his best friends. The taller between the two could see the invisible wall between them, and somehow, it was his fault for being part of the reasons why it was there in the first place.

And Jongin was speechless. All words vanished the moment he was back and saw Chanyeol drenched from head to toe, face concerns.

Jongin watched the other male shifted in his position through the corner of his eyes, too tired to even be bothered to say anything because, what he was supposed to say? Apologize for being a hindrance to the taller to enjoy the island tour and music festival along with the other classmates? Chanyeol could just disobey their teacher’s instruction to stay put in the room and sneak in with the groups if he wants, yet the taller choose to walk back in their shared room.

“I was pissed, you know,” Chanyeol whispers out loud, breaking in the silence that getting too suffocating between them. Jongin didn’t replies, and Chanyeol sighed. “That was before. Figured I could visit this island some other time. But, in other hand, I couldn’t replace the time where you need your best friend the most.”

“I don’t need anyone’s sympathy, Chanyeol,” Jongin hissed, annoyed laces in his tone but there were no venoms. The sympathy that people was throwing at him lately through their eyes pained Jongin more than he could take. Yet no one ever bothered to stand up for him. Pities would bring him nowhere. He was thankful toward Chanyeol. He really does, but if this was just pity and kindness that Chanyeol was trying to act upon, the taller better stopped. It will save both the mess, and Jongin, of the hope that perhaps, he could finally lean on his best friend again, although it was not Sehun.

Chanyeol softly laughs, “Oh, don’t get me wrong here, Nono.”

Jongin pulls back his remarks at the sound of Chanyeol’s stupid nickname that he always used when he tried to joke between them long time ago. And Chanyeol seemed pleased when Jongin didn’t retort anything, so he takes that time to continue. “We grow up together. You, me, and Sehun. You’re a familiar part in my life and Sehun’s. It was shocking, honestly,” Chanyeol confessed, now facing the tanned male. They stared at each other for long, before Jongin shrugged.

“I kind of expected somehow .”

“Wow, that was surprising,” Jongin arched his eyebrows, feigning the surprised elements and Chanyeol could sense that but decided not to comment on it.

“It was shocking, for both of our sides. More to Sehun, I suppose. That guy was clueless. And, you never told us anything. I meant, _at least_ to me about it and I swore to you, if you did, I won’t say anything. Deep down you know I was right about this. I won’t just blindly throw you out of the window because you like , hell, _fucking in love_ with Sehun.  And I’m sorry that it took me this long to say this to you. But you cast me aside, make me feel ten times worse. I can’t even find you everywhere in the school. Like you were trying to run away from everybody, Jongin,” Chanyeol was already sitting at the edge of the bed, lips pursued in a straight line as he looked at Jongin with pleading eyes. Jongin bites his lips, refused to say anything. So, Chanyeol approached him.

But the taller man’s step was halted when Jongin spoke.

“I didn’t plan for everything to happen this way. I never did.  I was scared, Chanyeol. I was skeptical, afraid of your two thoughts about me if I ever did tell you. Do you know how hard it is when I finally learned the truth about me? I was breaking the odds. I don’t know what to do and that stupid journal was the only chance that I got to express my emotions. And- and when that happened, you and Sehun literally shoved me away,”

Chanyeol looked pained, “Dear god, I didn’t mean to. I was confused, caught in this mess-”

“Then, does it make it any easier for me too, Chanyeol?” Jongin snapped out from his laying positions, as he faces his best friends. Chanyeol already looked wrecked, shunned. “Nobody asked for this. But it happened.”

“We can stop this.”

Jongin sighed.

“If only it’s that easy.”

Chanyeol offers the tanned male a small smile, “We’ll try. I promise you won’t be alone anymore.”

Jongin blinks, “Ha, right. Sure.”

“Dude,” Chanyeol flatly mumbles out, punching Jongin’s stomach gently. “Give me a chance to proof myself”

“That sounds wrong.”

“You manipulated my words in a wrong way,” Chanyeol mused, “But never mind. Best friend again?”

Jongin shrugged, tiredly smiles in the dark at Chanyeol’s brightened features.

 

 

 

❁

 

 

 

Some things did come back to regular. But that doesn’t mean the sneers and the bullying did come to a stop entirely. But, Jongin never really talked about it to Chanyeol, seeing how the taller were frequent with already packed schedules, especially since he was the captain of the basketball team. Chanyeol did tried to make Jongin and Sehun talked, still it gone in vain. Sehun walked away the moment he saw Jongin at the end of the corridor.

And Jongin had already come in peace with the fact that he and Sehun could never go back the same again. He was willing to give Sehun the time to come around, but sometime, it took so much of a person to bear everything alone.

 The texts that comes in through his phones are getting far violent after his name got listed in scholarship’s list of names. The counsellor also stopped texting him about his cases, and Jongin didn’t pushed it far.

That evening, Chanyeol had a basketball practice and couldn’t company Jongin to go home, so the tanned male walked home alone although Chanyeol look reluctance about it. It was getting late, after all. At six, and most of the students already gone back. Jongin just finished his usual revision routine at the library and was walking back to the class when he was being ambushed by the same group of bullies. And _Jae_.

He couldn’t register what was happening as it becomes too fast. His hands were pulled from behind, as someone pull clothes over his mouth to avoid him from making unnecessary noises. His sight was also been blocked by someone’s ties, and automatically his body turned into a defensive mode. But it was useless against four on one.

Hands roamed around his torso, and his belt. And before he knew it, his pants were gone. Leaving himself bare to the group’s sight. His cheeks were flushed in humiliation as he trashed around to be released. But one of them gripped on his hair hard and yank it backward. Jongin whimpers in pain into the clothes, cheeks reeks of tears as he tried to defend himself.

Then, he felt it.

A hand. Wrapped around his neck like a rope tighten up against his flesh, cutting him off his air supply. As one of them shoved their dick into his hole through behind. Thrusting into him as he begs for air. Jongin could have fall to his knees if not for a one of the male’s grip on his waist to keep him standing as he was been fucked from behind. His saliva dripped from his covered mouth, choking on his own screams and tears for help.

 

 

 

❁

 

 

 

“Okay, class. Since today is our last class before we sit for our exam, I want you guys to write a letter to yourself. Take it as you’re writing this to your future self. What your dream, your ambitions and perhaps, your little secret,” Their teacher’s softly smiles toward her students, before handling them each piece of blank paper to write on.

Jongin stared at the paper, and the pen in front of him. His throat suddenly felt blocked when his classmates keep giving him that glances.

Earlier that morning, a video was leaked to everyone’s phone. Except for the teachers and the school’s staff to avoid bigger problems. The video of him being raped in the class yesterday was leaked and seemed like everyone else interpret that as something kinky that he loves doing since he was being such a _whore_. Nobody would listen to what he will said, no matter how hard Chanyeol tried to defend him that morning, in front of lockers  that was filled with vulgar words plastered across Jongin’s locker door. 

He spends a total thirty minutes in the bathroom crying. Trembling beyond his control at the memories of yesterday. He kicked the toilet door, punching them, imagining it to be those boys before he forced himself to get grip on himself and goes into the first class.

Maybe _the last class_. 

Jongin pulled the paper closer and begin to write off a poem.

Chanyeol pokes his arms in worry, glancing frequently to check on Jongin. Even Sehun did glanced at the duos. But Jongin had his head hung lower, eyes graze on the paper as he struggled to finish off the last lines of his poems, biting his lips to avoid himself from breaking down right here and there.

 

 _I was six when I want to be an astronaut,_  
_Flying up above the moon._  
_I was seven when I want to be a teacher,_  
_soft smiles and graceful steps,_  
_and because I love math._  
_I was nine when my dad sign me up_  
_for ballet,_  
_and I was nine when I decided to be a_  
_ballerina._  
_Later, as I grow up,_  
_I become lost through the crowd._  
_I was sixteen when I want to die._  
_Now, I'm eighteen._  
_And I'm dying._

 

He folded the letter in half. And another half and when it was time for the rest of them to hand in their letter, Jongin pushed his letter deep inside before he rushed out from the class, without glancing anywhere else with his belongings.

And that was the last time Chanyeol, or even Sehun to speak with Jongin.

 

 

 

❁

 

 

 

“Take four!” Chanyeol hollers. Jongin was laughing beside him, as both were spins around inside the spinning cups at the  Lotte world.

 

❁

 

“Hi, this is Kim Jongin and today, you’re going to witness my ballet routine! Since Chanyeol insisted that I made this kind of video. We’re trying to gather evident for my case. And I think, maybe it will work. See, I am just like other regular student.” Jongin puts the camera carefully propped with his bag before he runs to join with the others.

 

❁

 

“Jongin, dude, Jongin, look at me. Look at this camera,” Chanyeol chased after the running male, camera strapped on his hands as he tried to record every moment of its. But Jongin seems to be reluctant about it, face turned into an upset expression. His lips were busted. And Chanyeol were shocked, at the very least, since this is the first time he witnessed the beaten state of Jongin.

He was finished with his usual run when he saw Jongin running down the stairs, crying. So, he run after him, camera flicked open since they need this to be recorded. His heart wrenched in pain as Jongin stops, hiccupping. “Stop it, Yeol. It won’t work. This is pointless!”

“Hey, hey,” Chanyeol reached out to the male, pulling them over toward the nearest bench. He pulled out his handkerchief and handed it to the crying male.

“What happen?”

Jongin shakes his head, “There’s nothing. Let’s go home.”

 

 ❁

 

It was their last paper. And Jongin was the last person to get out from the hall. Everyone was cheering on the last paper, the start of their freedom before they shall wait for their result to come out. But Jongin didn’t have a heart to even celebrate. He walked over toward the shoe locker, fixing his muffler around his neck.

As he was putting on his shoes, a picture falls off from the locker. It was a picture of them three, faces wrinkled in big smiles at their first festival that their attend together. And Jongin smiles in nostalgic, thumbs caressing the piece of memory in his grip.

“Jongin.”

Jongin tore his sight away from the picture to look at the person who called him. And his breath was caught when his eyes clashes with the familiar brown eyes. And he smiles, “Sehun.”

“I-“ Jongin cuts him off, immediately as he opened his umbrella.

“Save it. Let’s meet again at our graduation day.” He nods toward Sehun, giving the male, the man that have hold his heart for years a last glance before he walked through the gates. It was hard, how Jongin want to crumble right there at the mere sight of Sehun but he guessed, maybe he wouldn’t never have the chance to do so.

Maybe in this life, theirs are never meant to be together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

   

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter - how long does it take for me to finish this whole story up, God's know. There were parts where I wasn't proud of myself for writing it in the first place. I tried to put all of my emotions in these. I had squeezed my entire soul in this, and this is the only piece that I could gave. There shall be lacks of everything, for I'm not quite good but I'm giving myself a credit for trying. 
> 
> Writing this was a challenge. And honestly, I was so scared of posting this last chapter. Thus, the long delayed. Since most of the elements were sensitives to certain people and I don't wish to inflict any bad memories to them. This is all fictions, and honestly, I really couldn't write much of the bullying scene. I was a bullied victim since I was nine. Until I finished high school. There no much of good memories that I want to keep with me when people speak of HS or school, in the first place. It was a shit hole for me. And it was hard. to even complete this. But I'm glad I did.
> 
> But, if any of you are facing any difficult situation, please reach out to anyone. Sometimes, having someone who's willing to listen to you, and say "It's okay" is enough. Remember that you're not alone. 
> 
> XOXO, loves.


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